Combining Finances: Grace and Mercy

03. Jun, 2009 0 Comments

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When you start to take control of your finances, its easy to get quite excited about all the things that you can do. For example, you might decide that you and your spouse need to start a budget, so you whip open Excel and start categorizing your spending and income, figuring out exactly how much money you can put aside each month. Then you might start looking at reducing your expenses, so you start to see if you can cut your cable bill, turn down your thermostat, or sell one of your vehicles. Maybe you don’t need a vehicle at all, so why not sell them both and take transit?

Also, you should start a vegetable garden, buy used clothes, cut the grocery bill, invest your tax returns into an RRSP or TFSA, and heck, you could probably start saving money if you stopped showering so often.

But wait.

What if your spouse isn’t as on board as you are?

What if they want to keep the cable, drive to work, and would appreciate it if they were allowed to shower..?

It Takes Two

As Ashley and I start to go through the process of combining our finances, we’re starting to find many areas of conflict. I was raised spending money in one fashion, and Ashley in another. I’m more willing to spend money in some areas (32″ TV), and Ashley in others (shampoo). Obviously when we start to look at our combined finances, we’re going to find areas that we are quite willing to cut – though the other one might not.

So what do you do? Compromise? Give in? Fight hard and dig in? What are you willing to give up? What aren’t you willing to give up?

For us, I think it came down to a couple of conversations that we had. In them, we came to terms with what the other person’s main priorities are. This was a key moment for me, because it meant I had to stop, listen to what Ashley was saying, and realize within myself that our relationship was more important than the details of our finances. We disagreed over what our priorities should be – but that’s okay. We are working on a compromise where we can address both of our priorities, and because we love each other, we know that it is worth giving up on some smaller issues for the sake of our relationship.

Key Areas

Financial Priorities – What is money to you? Why make money? What should money be spent on?

How You View Debt – Is debt okay to have? Is getting rid of debt a priority? What priority?
How You View Work – How much work is appropriate? How much would you like to have? When could that be a reality? What are you willing to sacrifice to have it?
How You View Frugality – What is worth saving money on? What is worth paying top dollar for?

Vocation Priorities – What is your life leading towards? Where should you be working?

Why your job?
What is your ideal?
How can you make that a reality?

Family Priorities – What kind of family do you want? Is it more or less important than your other priorities?

When do you want to start a family? – Right after you’re married, or do you want to feel more “established” first? Do you need a large savings account first?
How big of a family do you want? – Can you afford the children that you want, in terms of time, energy, and money?
What makes you feel safe? Is it a full bank account, or pantry, or access to a line of credit? Is it being out of debt?

You don’t need to sit down, and write a list ordering all your priorities one by one. You can, if you would like, but it isn’t necessary. What is necessary is communicating what your priorities are, so that you can understand and respect your spouse’s opinions. You don’t have to agree, you just have to show grace and mercy towards them.

Grace and Mercy

No marriage is perfect. You’re going to disagree on your financial priorities at some point, on some level. When that does happen, show grace and mercy. Don’t freak out if they went overbudget on your birthday gift, as that might be more of a priority to them than it is to you. Don’t get upset when they want you to cut their hair. You’re just two people who love each other, who want the best for each other, who sometimes disagree and have to figure out the best way around it.

So show some grace, and show some mercy. They deserve it as much as you do.

Photo by Adam Loewen Photography